A short while ago, during a session with one of my clients, the topic of failure came up, and I found it interesting to note that my client viewed giving up and failure as being the same thing.

Giving up is a choice. When you choose to step away from something for a while, it is usually because you have something else to focus on, or have lost interest, and you can often come back to it whenever you like.

On the other hand, failure is a sharp, unexpected end to progress; be it on a home DIY project, a task at work, or a life goal. Failure takes the form of complete resignation, it isn’t simply giving up, it is a state of being in which a person believes there is no better outcome.

Failure is often painful in the context of goal setting. Many goals are intrinsically motivated, and failing at something you are good at, something you willfully engage with and enjoy doing, is incredibly painful.

Knowing this, giving up can be seen as a form of self-compassion. When you struggle with one of your goals, working hard and yet making very little progress, it pays to step back and reassess the situation before you hit a brick wall. Examine your surroundings, including the tools, resources, and support network you have at your disposal. Then ask yourself, "What needs to change? What isn't working, and why?"

“Learn to fail or fail to learn.” – Tal Ben-Shahar

Failure and success are often treated as a binary; this or that, one or the other; but in practice this isn’t the case. Success often involves setbacks—while you may achieve your goals, not everything will go as planned. Some goals might be left behind, and others may be completely abandoned.

In that same breath, there is always success in failure. While failure isn’t necessarily something we should encourage, there is always something to learn from it. In the event of failure, reframing is a helpful tool, taking a step back to shift perspective and to figure out what did and didn’t work. Thomas Edison didn’t fail at inventing the incandescent lightbulb ten thousand times, he simply learned ten thousand ways how not to make an incandescent lightbulb.

Arguably the best way to cope with failure is to develop a Growth Mindset – core to which is the understanding that learning and growth are ongoing, and that if you lack the ability to do something now, you can gain it in time.

Another useful tool is self-compassion. When someone fails at something, they often engage in negative self-talk, thinking of themselves and their skills pessimistically. But when a friend fails at something, people lend them support, offering guidance and clarity; to practice self-compassion is to extend that same grace and patience to yourself.

One of the best ways to cope with failure and the mental anguish that comes with it, is to recognise your progress thus far. Our biggest goals often feel like they are somewhere just beyond the horizon, and much like the horizon, no matter how far we go, they often don’t seem to get any closer. In those moments, it pays to stop for a moment and look back on everything you have already achieved.

The final tool for coping with failure is grit. According to Angela Duckworth, grit is a combination of passion and perseverance for long-term goals.  No matter how positively you frame a goal, Duckworth argues grit will always be a requirement. While I am not enamoured with the idea that achieving goals requires some pain, grit is a lot like resilience in that it allows you to simply keep going, even when the odds are against you.

View the video related to this blog.

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Other articles in this series include:

• ‍Self-Leadership: What is it?
• ‍Self-Leadership: Benefits for the Self
• ‍Self-Leadership: Benefits for Others
• ‍The Link Between Self-Leadership and Self-Awareness
• ‍Self-Leadership and Priorities
• ‍Self-Leadership: Taking Action to Shape Your Future
• Self-Leadership: Igniting the Spark Of Self-Motivation

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See the playlist for more topics.

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